The Surprising Solution to the Imposter Syndrome | Lou Solomon | TEDxCharlotte

TEDx Talks
1.1M views • November 30, 2016

Answers to the self-doubt experienced by successful people can help anyone build a stronger sense of self. 70% of successful people have experienced the feelings associated with the Impostor Syndrome, such as fear of failure and perfectionism. Whether you have it, or know someone who does, there are steps to build a more satisfying and happy life.

Lou Solomon is a CEO, author and communications expert who is also a survivor of the Impostor Syndrome, a widespread condition that prevents successful people from internalizing and enjoying their accomplishments.

Lou is a member of the adjunct faculty at the McColl School of Business at Queens University of Charlotte, and co-founder of the school’s annual TWIST Conference for Women. She released her first book, Say Something Real in 2010 and is currently working on her second book.

Lou’s articles and insights have been published by Fast Company, Entrepreneur.com, CEO.com, HBR and more. She regularly conducts surveys in collaboration with Harris Interactive on leadership and the human connection.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

0:09 Good afternoon.
0:13 Years ago, I was sitting across from
0:15 Barbara in her office. I think it was my
0:18 third or fourth visit.
0:21 Barbara was a wonderful and warm human
0:23 being and a brilliant therapist.
0:27 And she also had a great sense of humor.
0:30 I think it's really important that your
0:32 therapist have a great sense of humor.
0:35 Really important.
0:37 Well, she was asking me about my career
0:40 and suddenly she said, "Well, now Lou,
0:43 you've been successful, haven't you? I
0:45 mean, you've had some big jobs. You have
0:47 a big job now." I said, "Well, I've been
0:51 lucky.
0:53 Mostly I just hope that I can keep that
0:56 up. that the luck holds out. Mostly I
0:59 just hope that I can pull off another
1:01 success.
1:04 She said, "Well, you know, it sounds
1:06 like modesty, but I'm not buying it."
1:09 She said, "Really? You know, there's a
1:11 name for this push back that I'm always
1:14 getting from you when it comes to any of
1:17 your achievements having anything to do
1:19 with you or your talent." And it's
1:22 called the impostor syndrome.
1:28 So
1:30 I mean a little kidding. I had to I
1:33 said, "Well, this is not a good day.
1:36 This is not a good day. I knew something
1:38 was off, but you're telling me I have
1:40 some weird condition that has a name
1:44 that sounds like the name of an Alfred
1:46 Hitchcock movie?" The imposttor
1:49 syndrome.
1:51 Well, you know, Barbara would go on to
1:55 tell me, and I knew something was
1:57 important was being said anyway, and she
2:00 would go on to put a name to a condition
2:04 that I've been suffering with since I
2:06 was a kid. And that's been over two
2:08 decades ago. And today, my life's work
2:14 is helping people call out that
2:18 impostor-like thinking. Now, you can't
2:21 get rid of it completely, but you can
2:24 definitely you can definitely learn to
2:27 call it out.
2:29 So, back to that conversation with
2:31 Barbara,
2:33 I became a self-ressearcher from the
2:36 inside out. I
2:39 learned that the imposttor syndrome is a
2:41 feeling of phoniness and unworthiness
2:43 among people when it comes to their
2:45 achievements.
2:46 And even though we're highly motivated,
2:49 we don't really believe any of the
2:51 credit that comes our way. I like to say
2:54 that we feel like we have snuck in the
2:58 back door of life's theater and snuck up
3:02 on stage and there's a big bouncer out
3:05 there and we know that if he sees us,
3:09 we're out of here. And so we're
3:10 constantly looking over our shoulder for
3:12 the bouncer.
3:15 It's true. Mike said 70%
3:18 of the people in this country
3:21 have at least a passing acquaintance
3:24 with the feelings or the symptoms that
3:27 are associated with the imposttor
3:29 syndrome. I like to call them the
3:30 fantastic four.
3:32 And they go like this. Anxiety,
3:35 perfectionism,
3:37 self-doubt, and fear of failure.
3:41 So, back to the 70%. I think that's low,
3:44 don't you?
3:46 I mean, that means that only two out of
3:49 every three people in this room have
3:51 ever experienced self-doubt, for
3:54 example.
3:56 I mean, I'm not going to ask you to
3:57 raise your hands, but I bet if I did, I
4:00 mean, almost all of us have experienced
4:03 some form of
4:06 self-doubt or one of the fantastic four
4:09 in our lifetime. It's the human
4:11 condition, isn't it?
4:13 Even the great Maya Angelo, love her.
4:17 The great Maya Angelo after having
4:20 published one of her books said, "You
4:23 know, I wonder if this will be the time
4:25 when they figure out I've been running a
4:27 game."
4:30 Maya Angelo,
4:32 brilliant poet, playright, author.
4:36 And maybe you felt that way. Someone
4:38 gave you some recognition and you stood
4:41 and thought, "Uhoh,
4:44 I don't know what I'm doing here. I
4:46 haven't done anything to deserve this.
4:48 There has got to be a mistake."
4:52 Well, people like me just have a whopper
4:55 version of the feelings that go with
4:59 thinking that anything that comes your
5:01 way is a mistake. There's deeper worry,
5:03 there's deeper anxiety, there's more
5:05 suffering.
5:08 So, what's the cause of the imposttor
5:10 syndrome?
5:12 Hold you in suspense a minute.
5:19 One of the main reasons is
5:22 growing up in a home with an alcoholic
5:26 parent or with domestic violence
5:30 or with
5:32 physical abuse
5:34 or any serious conflict such as constant
5:37 criticism. It's a response to the trauma
5:40 that comes from that. Now, for me, it
5:43 was my father. My father was a brilliant
5:46 pilot, highly decorated, adored on the
5:50 outside, respected,
5:52 but at home he was a raging alcoholic.
5:56 At home, he bered us for being
6:00 incompetent.
6:02 The worst kind of abuse, I believe, is
6:04 verbal.
6:06 It's been the worst for my family to
6:08 recover from. And this was a tortured
6:11 man. I mean, he was raised the exact
6:14 same way.
6:16 But what I did with that is
6:19 I devoted my life to proving that I was
6:22 competent.
6:23 And of course, it never works because
6:25 even when I brought home straight A's,
6:28 he would say, "Well,
6:30 the school you're attending must be
6:32 pretty easy."
6:35 So,
6:37 it's tempting to say that, you know, a
6:40 bad childhood is what it's about, but
6:43 I've worked with people who didn't have
6:45 a bad childhood, had a happy childhood,
6:47 but instead they chose
6:50 careers that require constant
6:52 critiquing. Constant critiquing. I bet
6:55 there's a a good many artists in the
6:57 room, and artists have to live with that
7:00 constant critiquing. I have a dear
7:02 friend, Susan, and she once said to me,
7:04 "Lou, not until I have an entire body of
7:07 work and a gallery showing do I feel
7:10 like I will have deserved the right to
7:13 call myself an artist."
7:17 But for whatever the reason, some people
7:18 just get it into their heads that they
7:21 are not good enough and that if people
7:24 really knew them that they would know
7:26 that they have no right to be here. They
7:29 haven't done anything to deserve where
7:31 to be where they are.
7:35 Well, if this isn't you and you don't
7:37 have this, you may know and love someone
7:40 who does.
7:42 You can
7:45 catch them
7:47 in that modesty ploy I told you about
7:50 where they shun compliments to the point
7:53 of it's it's not modesty. They even may
7:57 hide achievements from friends and
7:59 family because they don't really feel
8:00 like they achieve them. So, you know,
8:03 they're the folks that don't tell you
8:04 they got the awards somebody else tells
8:07 you. We're also glutton for punishment
8:10 because we are attracted like bugs to
8:13 the light to really high stress jobs
8:16 that wear you out because they demand
8:18 too much and take everything that you've
8:22 got. And for me, I worked for big
8:25 broadcast companies for a long time and
8:27 loved it. Really loved it. But I
8:31 suffered over every tiny mistake I ever
8:34 made. Just suffered over it because the
8:38 imposttor syndrome almost always comes
8:40 with painful perfectionism.
8:44 I remember one night I came home from
8:46 working late. I was getting into bed and
8:50 I remembered I left a typo, a little
8:53 typo and a memo that I had distributed.
8:57 I mean, this was before email and I
9:00 couldn't sleep. So, I got back out of
9:02 bed. I got dressed again. I drove back
9:05 to the station, retyped it,
9:08 redistributed it, got home at 2 a.m.,
9:11 but it was perfect. And nobody ever knew
9:14 about it because any little flaw like
9:17 that would reveal something about me and
9:21 my incompetence.
9:26 Well, the easiest way that I can
9:28 describe to you what having the
9:30 imposttor syndrome is like is to tell
9:33 you that it's like having a crappy best
9:36 friend in your head who says mean things
9:38 about you.
9:41 And listen, I've named mine. Her name is
9:44 Miss Vader after Darth Vader.
9:49 And Miss Vader says awful things. She
9:52 says things like, "Well, you got close,
9:54 but you still screwed it up."
9:57 Or,
9:59 "You don't deserve to be here. These
10:01 people are really smart."
10:05 Or, "Yeah, you might have done it this
10:07 time. I don't know how you do it next
10:09 time."
10:11 Well, the one good thing about Miss
10:15 Vader is that once you can hear Miss
10:17 Vader, once you can understand that
10:20 voice, you can do something about it.
10:24 That's what Barbara and I figured out.
10:25 You can do something about it. And like
10:28 every villain, she calls out what I like
10:31 to call the radical hero. And the
10:34 radical hero is wiser and doesn't buy it
10:39 and has a deeper point of view. I've
10:42 named her too. Her name is Betty Lou.
10:48 And Betty Lou is southern and strong and
10:52 irreverent. uses a smidge of profanity
10:55 with Miss Vader occasionally
10:59 and absolutely has a fabulous laugh. And
11:05 one of the best things that I can say
11:08 about the radical hero is that
11:11 she calls out the lies and the limiting
11:14 beliefs that isolate people like me.
11:22 I think we all could use the support of
11:25 a radical hero, couldn't we?
11:29 You know, let's face it, in a way, we're
11:31 all imposters, aren't we?
11:35 Because whether it is that tough college
11:38 admission that we overidentify with or
11:43 it's that image in the media that we
11:46 compare ourselves to or
11:50 having to crush every project at work in
11:54 order just to be on par.
11:57 It seems to me that we all are tempted
12:00 to measure ourselves against someone
12:03 else's idea of success.
12:09 Well, my radical hero started doing the
12:12 work of calling out my lies and my
12:15 limited my limiting beliefs. And one of
12:18 the first things she did was look at
12:20 this idea of vulnerability is weakness.
12:25 You know, everybody talks pretty good
12:27 game about vulnerability. You know, it's
12:29 popular to do that. But deep down, don't
12:31 you kind of suspect it's for losers?
12:36 See, I grew up in a military family and
12:39 there was nothing good about the word or
12:42 the concept of vulnerability. You know,
12:45 in wartime that means deficiency. It
12:47 means uh exposure for damage and eminent
12:52 attack. And I grew up thinking the best
12:55 thing I could do is pull myself up by my
12:58 bootstraps, never ask for help, and
13:00 never let them see you sweat.
13:03 And I secretly believe that
13:04 vulnerability was for losers.
13:08 Well, in my early 30s, I had a bit of a
13:10 breakdown.
13:13 I wound up in the wall with physical,
13:15 mental, and emotional exhaustion.
13:19 And I did a very rare
13:22 and miraculous thing because I hadn't
13:24 planned to do it that day. And what that
13:27 was was reaching out to my good friend
13:30 Greg, my dear friend Greg. And I said,
13:32 "You know what? I can't do this anymore.
13:37 I constantly feel like I don't deserve
13:39 to be here."
13:41 And what we did was put together an
13:43 action plan that would eventually lead
13:45 me to Barbara.
13:48 And do you know I know today that the
13:50 single most important thing that you can
13:53 do to sustain sustain strength in your
13:56 life you know is to is to live and fail
13:59 and love and ask for help.
14:03 So another lie that was very important
14:06 for me to call out was that a successful
14:10 career leads to a su successful life.
14:13 Well, I mean, I grew up believing that
14:18 and for many years I thought my career
14:21 in broadcasting was going to save me. I
14:23 mean, I worked so hard and I got
14:25 promotions, but you know, every time I
14:28 got an achievement, it was like cotton
14:30 candy. You know, really
14:33 sweet blast of air and then nothing.
14:37 And then you had to do it all over again
14:39 and then the sweet blast.
14:43 But I believed in my job
14:46 until my beloved parent company decided
14:50 to sell my beloved radio station. And
14:53 the way we found out about it was that
14:56 we watched it on the 6:00 news on my
14:58 sister TV station.
15:02 And as you can see, I've gotten over it
15:06 very well.
15:12 Greg occasionally says, "Are you still
15:14 holding a grudge about that?" I say,
15:15 "Damn straight, that was absolutely
15:17 rotten."
15:21 Well, what what happened was that
15:24 suddenly the people that we had called
15:28 family as a core value, all those people
15:30 that we had held in this idea, this
15:34 vision for this station that I bought
15:37 into a thousand%.
15:39 They were hurt. I was upset. And one
15:42 day, Chuck shows up. Now, Chuck is the
15:45 new general manager, and Chuck wore a
15:47 silk suit. Chuck told me the way things
15:50 were going to go. And I heard Betty Lou
15:53 say, "Good luck with that."
15:58 And I walked down the hall to my office,
16:00 banged out my resignation, and I was
16:03 out.
16:05 It was just absolutely amazing. My
16:07 friends thought I was crazy. I thought I
16:10 was crazy.
16:12 And I don't mean to say anybody needs to
16:15 quit their job.
16:19 You'll have to figure that one out for
16:21 yourself.
16:22 But I will tell you that I had to quit
16:25 mine
16:28 so that I could move from a career to a
16:30 calling.
16:33 Another
16:35 lie that was really important for me to
16:37 call out was you should never air your
16:39 dirty laundry. Have you heard that one?
16:42 That old saying, that old terrible
16:44 saying. I grew up thinking that any past
16:50 mistake or obstacle or discre, whatever
16:52 it was, was dirty. You better hide that
16:56 thing. You better be embarrassed. You
16:59 better It's dirty.
17:02 And what I have learned today, I've done
17:05 some homework on my hardships
17:08 and I've added with the hardship the
17:11 wisdom that I've gained.
17:13 And it's as though the fragmented pieces
17:16 of me come together. And when I can tell
17:19 you what my life has taught me, I am
17:22 suddenly a whole person.
17:25 Now, people will say, "Well, Lou, isn't
17:27 it dangerous to overshare in
17:30 inappropriate situations?
17:33 Well, of course it is.
17:36 Common sense must prevail and the where
17:38 and when matters. But if you can help
17:41 somebody,
17:43 if you can help somebody with your
17:45 experience and strength,
17:48 you'll know it. You'll know when.
17:52 And finally, for a kid who was so shy, I
17:57 never spoke up until I was about 10.
18:00 This particular limiting belief was
18:03 important for me to debunk and that is
18:07 this. Talkers rule the world.
18:13 Now a advertising man named Barton over
18:16 50 years ago famously said that people
18:19 who succeeded in life were talkers.
18:25 Well, in high school I had a biology
18:28 teacher, Coach Tavanir. We called him
18:30 coach. I love this man.
18:34 And he used to say, "I'm listening for
18:36 brilliance, people."
18:39 And you know what? We were brilliant in
18:42 his class. We sure were.
18:46 And this troubled kid was empowered by
18:49 that. And I have never forgotten him or
18:52 the idea of listening for brilliance.
18:57 So, what's at stake if we don't empower
19:00 brilliance?
19:02 What's at stake?
19:05 Well, one thing's for sure. We won't
19:06 ever tap into the best ideas from people
19:09 who who could solve the problems of the
19:12 world. Because you see the imposttor
19:15 syndrome if left unchecked
19:19 can cause
19:21 anxiety, depression,
19:24 addiction,
19:27 stalled projects,
19:29 unfinished masterpieces,
19:33 an unhappy life for sure.
19:37 And it doesn't take much. It's about
19:40 telling a friend, you know, you're
19:42 really good at that.
19:44 or telling a
19:46 coworker, "Hey, I I've noticed you're
19:48 gifted there."
19:53 You know, I don't spend too much time
19:55 with Miss Vader anymore. I still shows
19:57 up, but you know, Betty Lou is is doing
20:00 a pretty darn good job these days. But
20:04 when Miss Bader shows up on an off day
20:07 and hurls an insult at me, I take a
20:10 breath.
20:12 I feel compassion and I remember
20:17 what that sad cartoonish voice sounds
20:19 like
20:21 and I remember
20:23 that there's plenty of work to go around
20:26 and the exact nature of that work is to
20:30 help our students and our friends and
20:33 our family and our co-workers
20:36 confront and call out the lies and the
20:40 limiting beliefs that isolate them
20:45 and perhaps most of all to listen
20:48 for brilliance.
20:51 Thank you.